TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: supply Anyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he really should cease applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" Trump Tower Damascus and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head visible from Room, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following getting the making's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You might be welcome."

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